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Current Music:oasis - sad song
Time:12:12 am
Current Mood:missing my friends
this has been, by far, the best birthday ever.

friday chris stayed over and forced me to open my presents from him at midnight. which were amazing. we went to go do some laundry and were surprised to come back to the house to find dante standing outside my front yard.

basically things were odd, confusing and mildly retarded. kenney and mike were there and i talked to them while chris remained detained in the house. things got somewhat out of hand. i went inside and chris calmed me down. we went to sleep at about 3 or something. i dont really remember. he woke me up at 11 when linas showed up. we all got showered and dressed and ready for birthday fun. which basically consisted of us talking, going for a drive and hanging out before dinner.

being at red lobster reminded me a lot of when chris and i went in december. so i was full of fond mushy memories. we ate an awful lot and laughed an awful lot at nothing in particular, like we usually do. it was great, though horribly expensive. those two boys really spoil me.

when we got back from the restaurant i found that i had phone messages from a bunch of people, including AMY and jay. which was most awesome. though i felt like an asshole for not being around the one time she calls for me. blast. it meant a lot to hear from you amy ♥.

saturday night we didnt drink much. i had about 200ml of vodka, linas had barely anything and chris had even less. i guess he felt this need to take care of me on my birthday, although it wasnt necessary. i didnt have a lot at all. he was still doting on me though. he was cleaning up and making the bed while linas and i made conversation. i amused myself with leeroy, the lemon, who i had recently developed an affair with. i opened my presents from linas (thanks again man, i love it), linas' mother and chris' mother. perhaps she doesnt hate me.

chris had a headache and we were all fairly exhausted so we went to bed. not all of us. in the same bed. obviously. apparently i was talking a lot and got up several times in many states of undress. chris and linas were surprisingly patient with me.

sunday we were up bright and early again because linas needed to bring the car back. we dropped off cauchi, which was saddening because i knew i wouldnt be seeing him for a week. it was emo. linas and i then went to his place and hung out for a bit before deciding to go pants shopping. for pants. needless to say, i ended up eating too many hamburgers and spending too much on random clothes.

linas' mom fed us an incredible meal and we were off to mcmaster university. well, almost. we got there the first time only to discover that linas had forgotten his keys. so we drove back to oakville, and then back to hamilton.

linas and i basically spent the next few days eating and lounging about, having no futures and watching dead like me. we also met a bunch of our mcmaster chums like barak, knat, and stephan, on numerous occasions. barak especially showed up a few times and ended up having dinner with us. see, linas! making friends is easy.

karel came and got me around 8:30 from mac, where the two of us got kendall and hung out at her house for a bit before i finally got home (real home, in beamsville) late last night.

i kind of miss utm. nassime was concerned and wondering where i am, and cauchi is like.. dead on his feet right now. hes been sick since i left, and is finally going to the doctors tomorrow "to check out my hot hot body for mean things." i hope he's alright. theres not much to do here, but im enjoying spending time with my family and hopefully seeing a few more friends before i go back on friday or saturday.

things arent perfect right now, and a few things that have come up in the past 24 hours, like receiving notice that im now on academic probation, have reminded me that this year has been very far from perfect. but ive come out of it swinging, with some really good people on my side. and chris. things with him couldnt be better and i thank god every day that things worked out the way they did, and that he and i are together. it has made all the difference in the world.

so theres my post. not as long as id like, but im exhausted. and not feeling the lj vibe. ive been debating deleting this journal a lot recently, and come very close. i guess we'll have to wait and see what happens. i hope everyone is well and taking good care of themselves. spring is coming and i hope that the warm weather will give everyone the boost that they need to get through the rest of the semester in one peice.

Time:09:28 pm
Current Mood:cool
LOST: one chris cauchi.

tall, lanky kid standing at about 6"4. with a great haircut, covered by a black aerosmith hat. black leather jacket. jeans. white sneakers.
drives a red toyota echo.. speeds a lot. sings a lot.
last seen online at 8:20 when kristen called him insensitive and manipulative during one of their playful, loving exchanges of insults.
said "omg i cant take this, lolz*" and vanished, possibly forever.

if found please notify either myself or linas. as we are both mildly concerned/unamused by the spontaneous dissapearance.
your help in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Current Music:talk - coldplay
Time:12:06 am
Current Mood:exanimatesore but happy.
you know, i dont remember the last time that ive been so happy to just be alive. to just... be here.
yes, i have problems. yes some people and some poeple's parents may not like me as much as i would have hoped.. yes im not doing great in school. yes, i dont have the best self esteem, yes my last serious relationship went a bit awry and the recovery was a little rocky to say the least. yes, i have a mysterious throat infection. and yes, i missed hanging out with my BFF (best friend forever.... z...) tonight.

i also have incredible friends, family, the rest of my health, and a life-sized cardboard cut out of xena.
LIFE SIZED XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS!!!! courtesy of dante, who has made it his personal business to spoil me rotten for some reason. i dont know what the hell has gotten into everyone lately.

i have decided that i will post some pictures of myself and the warrior princess. its odd having a roommate, let alone a large, silent cardboard one. every time i come in the room i jump or yell 'fuck!' accidentally because right now shes positioned behind the door and its really frightening to see someone lurking there out of the corner of my eye whenever i enter the room. its scary and im not used to it, but it is nice to have someone (especially a warrior princess) to come home to.

i do have a throat infection, and it has effectively prevented us from making the trip across oakville and burlington to visit my BFF for realz, linas, at his place of dwelling in mcmaster university. chris was very against me making the trip in this weather in my 'condition' - though that didnt really phase me as much as the thought of making either of my good friends sick. i was very...upset about this. still am. i was really, really looking forward to tonight. giving up an awesome night with my friends, especially linas whose company i have been missing dreadfully, to spend a quiet evening at home by myself. well, thats what i assumed.

when i got out of the shower around 5:15, i got a phone call from chris who announced that he was coming over to take care of me, as he has been doing the past few days. i thought that was very nice and all... but i will feel really bad if i've made anyone sick. this throat thing is really painful, and its started to move to my ears. on monday if i havent started to feel better im going to see if i can get to the walk-in clinic behind south common to get checked out.

but anyways, dante and i went out today anyways, to do some serious shopping. i found myself in a wonderful mood, despite the nasty throat business. i havent been east of UTM in a while and it was really, really cool. i love public transit and i love just meandering about with my ipod, randomly breaking into an air-guitar solo, or watching the beautiful scenery fly by.

when dante and i were in HMV, lokoing at the rock/alternative cds, i found something that astonished me. i was looking for COLDPLAY, but as my eyes scanned the different cd labels, i found another album that i did not expect. CYR, my surname staring me right in the face. this weird album.

so i stole the black plastic divider thingy with my last name on it, centered in big black letters. and as i was searching for more information on this band or whatever, i found this and this. among other things. weird. i didnt get the cyr cd, but did end up getting the coldplay and oasis with the giftcard that laura got me for christmas. im listening to the oasis now and its pretty great. the coldplay was alright, though talk and fix you are pretty much the only songs on there i like enough to listen to over and over again. i still cant wait to see them live.

the weather was pretty gay on the ride home, especially when the 26 started randomly leaking on dantes pants and messenger bag. and me.. and some other people. by the time we got back to UTM, the rain had turned back into large, wet clumps of snow. for some reason i didnt mind this as much, and the two of us stopped what we were doing outside of the entrance you my court and jsut let it fall on us. not the smartest thing to do with a cold, i know. but it just felt right. moments like that, standing outside, getting pummeled with snow. with your arms out, tasting snowflakes on my tongue. i dont remember the last time i just enjoyed being outside n this kind of weather like that, let alone getting such a severe snow spanking.

the release was lovely. thats how ill describe it. release. the snow washed over us and i remembered what it was like back years ago when i used to play outside in the snow with my friends, and family on occasion. just going out there and getting soaked to the bone. and not caring. not worrying about school or boys or family problems or financial issues. just remembering that life is made up of all these little moments. i chose to hold onto that one today for everything it was worth. wonderful.

man, i could go for a hamburger right now. since giving up pop (i think its been 3 weeks since ive had one or something, i havent really been paying attention) ive been drinking juice a lot. which is good but sugary. ive been trying to have more water, but i seem to always have juice sitting around, practically demanding that i drink it. and i wouldnt want to make juice angry. i guess ive been eating more since ive been more active too. after chris and i got back from the gym i was ravenous.

mm. i dont really care right now. ill just go again next week and the week after, and so on. im going to make some nachos.
i really hope that everyone is having a great weekend and doing well. much love to everyone.

Current Music:sunday morning call - oasis
Subject:white power bill.
Time:04:27 pm
today chris decided to be adventurous and join me in my 2 hour religion lecture before his 2 hour film class later that afternoon.

before going to class we met up with pedro who was on his way to catch the bus home. he asked me to pick him up some more tickets at shoppers tonight and i enthusiastically agreed.
why? i dont know. i suppose that i am fond of pedro.

in fact, it has been established many times since our adventure at mc master university that i am fond of pedro. though not in a creepy or sexy way.

chris and i endured about 20 minutes of the class, which was on hinduism.
i could have easily taught that lecture myself much more effectively simply from texts ive read on my own time and the work we studied in my grade 12 world religion class. i wanted to take that man's harvard degree and break it over his face. his face!

i took out my ipod and we listened to some music for another half hour before taking off at the 10 minute break at 3:00. chris and i agreed that it was probably one of the worst classes we had ever attended.

to celebrate our effective escape from the religion class, i forced chris to let me buy him a "pity sub" from mr. sub. we ate jovially while making linas and pedro related conversation.
we also established that i am sexily fond of matt lepoy, who is gorgeous.

chris was not displeased by my admission of sexy feelings for matt lepoy and decided to take me shopping tonight so that we could buy pedro his bus tickets, along with girly supplies like shampoo, razors, makeup and other crap.

on our way out we encountered chris' mother and several of her colleagues who fawned over him and his height, exclaiming "i didnt know he was so tall!" i clung to his leather jacket like a sloth, cursing my inability to become invisible.

i nervously said hello to his mother and considered complimenting her hair, which had recently been styled by blaine, chris' ambiguously gay hair stylist and did look very nice. i decided that it was too risky and that i would be better off hiding under chris' arm until they went away.

on our way to film class we must have encountered 10 different people that he knew along the way. INCLUDING matt lepoy who responded to chris' acknowledgment of his presence ("MATT LEPOY!") not by saying hello but instead glaring sexily at nothing through his equally sexy thick rimmed glasses.
oh matt lepoy.

the reason why this entry is so poorly written would be due to the fact that im a bit hyper right now. i know hyper seems like such a juvenile term. im in a good mood. i feel productive. i feel pumped up. again, i wanted to go running today after dropping chris off, but didnt want to be completely gross and exhausted for shopping tonight.

but the energy was there so i walked around a bit, still with my religion books, until it wasnt so prominent. i went home thinking 'im going to do sometihng productive' all the while knowing that i was just going to come home and go on livejournal. im a bad person.

Time:01:55 am
'i just love you so much. I cant stop saying it. I love you. I love you. I love you.'

Current Music:running for home - matthew good
Time:04:38 pm
Current Mood:amazing.
i feel so indestructable right now.

Subject:things happen that we dont intend.
Time:01:41 am
Current Mood:tiredtired
i found out that i failed my anthropology class.

for the first time ever, i have failed an academic course.
pedro and i were baffled. we combined our mental powers of deduction in an attempt to figure out how this could have happened. we conclude that i must have really bombed the exam (which doesnt add up, but whatever.)
i will investigate further once the exam marks are released.

anyway, i was disappointed in myself, of course. and just... unamused.

me: i failed anthro.
chris: hold on, ill be there shortly.

i am a mess, of course. i jump in the shower and am somehow presentable by the time he gets here.

we bought ice cream and meander around the south building at UTM. we walk back to my place and watch 'fear and loathing in las vegas' which was hilarious and brilliant even though neither of us had any idea what was going on. after the movie was over we talked until about 1:15 when he had to book it home.

feeling so much better now then i was earlier. so much better. as my mother (who was very understanding) said, i have to chalk this up to a learning experience and try not to make the same mistakes in the future. and i really am determined to do well now and do the best i can.

more on dead possums, my government examination for my customs officer position and ottawa soon.

Time:03:19 am
just a quick update for my one and only amy who has probably filed a missing persons report for me already.

1. i am fine. i feel wonderful. ive had a lovely weekend with my friends.

2. i saw memoirs of a geisha today with laura and really enjoyed it. except the part where my mysterious foot pain indirectly caused me to fall down several stairs on my way to the bathroom... and then a few more stairs. like a dumbass.

3. laura gave me awesome presents because she is awesome. thank you so much laura for the wonderful gifts! i love them ♥

4. chris also randomly gave me a present. earrings and a necklace. the necklace is gold, heart shaped with white diamonds in the center, and the earrings match. i think they were adorable and put them on once i got to linas'.

5. chris pedro and i went to mcmaster university to see linas and the building was not as scary as anticipated. we didnt do too much but i had a great time. linas was in a generous mood and bought all of us dinner and ice cream. linas, i ♥ u 4eva.

6. pedro was hilarious and also drunk for half the night. he kept demanding that i fight him and tried to bribe me with $3 to show him my anthropology mark (that i did not know yet at the time). we are all going to stay there on the 20th but he wants me to go back next weekend with him as well. i will have to ask linas about that.

7. i got a 50 on my anthropology essay. this peturbs me because i have no idea what the TA did. i emailed it to him on time explaining my word program went down and then 3 days later he send me one back saying he needs a paper copy. so i dont know if he took those extra days off my final mark. learning experience. i guess.

8. my first semester was really difficult for me. not so much in terms of school but just.. everything else simultaneously going to hell. i know that there is more that i could have done for myself and to prevent my marks from being shitty, and i am disappointed in myself. this term i really hope to do a lot better and make some positive changes.

9. i cant sleep (and lan-lan is singing really loudly in her room) so im going to watch some tv or something. linas i cant wait to see you guys again soon.

i hope everyone else had a great weekend too.

Time:02:46 pm
all afternoon there has been this mysterious fog wafting about campus.

last night i realized that i left my alarm clock at home again. this isnt a huge crisis because my earliest class starts at 11 each day and this morning i had to be up at 12 for my one class. my mom volunteered to call and wake me up around 11 so that i would be awake for sure.

not a problem, right?

ive been at UTM one evening and already im having sleeping problems. i couldnt get to bed until about 3:00 last night and proceeded to have a nightmare about killing a religious leader and then horribly maiming one of my little brothers over some cappuccino mix.

Mrs McCoy calls me about 9 am to inform me that kenney never came home last night. surprise. when she and i spoke on the phone last night (we are good friends) she mentioned that kenney went to dantes. i said he was probably still there. i went back to bed.

my mom calls at 1:00 to inform me that she has forgotten to wake me up and i have missed my one class that i was actually very determined to go to today. oops.

i call linas. after the second ring the opperator informs me that my call is no longer connnected. i repeat this a few times with the same outcome.

i call dantes house wondering if someone found kenney. his dad picks up the phone and tells me that dante is too preoccupied to talk to me right now. k.

i call kenneys house and ask Mrs McCoy if someone found kenney. he was at Dantes and she just sent him out to mail some things with the dog. k. we ended up talking for a good 40 minutes before hanging up.

i try calling linas again with no avail. i am displeased.

the phone rings and i hope that it is kenney or dante or linas or chris cauchi or friends.

its Bell asking me if i am happy with my phone services. yeah. i talk to the phone guy who seems very nervous. we buy a package for $15 and are both pleased.

then we talk about school. yes, i go to the university of toronto. english. its okay. an adjustment. he tells me about his roommates. we have a big laugh. i get call display and an answering machine and save $15. he asks me to rate him on a scale of 1-10 and i say 10. we are both happy.

despite the instructions that i have scribbled down on the back of a photo sheet, i cannot activate my answering machine. this irritates me but im too bored to do anything about it now.

i update livejournal and decide to make a sandwich. i think about the odds of chris cauchi coming by today and contemplate being dressed or somewhat presentable. i decide against it.

Time:03:26 am
Current Mood:cheerfulcheerful
i had a huge update the other day about how i gained 10 pounds but dont really care, and how i dont really know what to do with myself. and how 2005 sucked but could have been worse. then the previewing option on lj ate it.

i spent the night with katie, karel and kendall and received some awesome gifts.
from kendall, this 3-d picture frame, a huge tin of french vanilla cappuccino mix, and the inu yasha movie. from katie this hilarious journal that i adore and am looking forward to using every day. from karel, a ton of playdoh. it was the most random yet awesome gift ever. we were going to watch a movie but instead ended up spending hours sitting in kendalls basement making elaborate things out of the playdoh and talking about everything from shakespeare to harry potter.

on the drive home karel and i talked about relationships and university. and life. and doing things. it was a really nice conversation. it was a nice evening. i think being with them really made my christmas break complete. intelligent, wonderful, fun people to be with. we can laugh for hours together, even over our failed relationships and friendships. we always manage to shed a positive light on the situation or make the dark so much more entertaining.

2005 was bad, kids, but some wonderful things happened too. loved, lost. made wonderful new friends. strengthened bonds with some, broke others. tested my emotional boundaries and pushed the envelope.
im not bitter. its time to move forward, quit stressing the small stuff and letting some things and some people take care of themselves and make their own choices. i have come to realize that i cant blame myself for the poor decisions made by others this year. when i cant rely on others to do the right thing, i simply have to step up and take control of my own life and my own happiness. and i plan to do just that.

ive made a lot of resolutions, none of which i will post here. they are all silly, and probably subject to change throughout the year. its going to be a whole new world, different place, different people. i have no idea whats around the corner but im sure it will be interesting either way.

all in all a good night to kick off what i hope will be a good year.

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